Sunday, 26 May 2013

Restoration After Rape - Judy's story

She is beautiful, talented AND couragious!  Miss Judy Greene...
Visit Judy's blog here

The best thing about blogging is having the opportunity to say whatever you want. It is a form of freedom. It is a form of honesty. It is a way to reach people and share whatever needs to be shared. I have waited 10 years to be open and honest about my life; it has taken me 10 years to no longer feel shame or to worry about people knowing my deep dark secret. It is time to take control of my own life and use my own experiences as I choose: and I choose to use them as a compassionate way to reach out to people, to open myself up to people who may need support, and to turn pain into purpose. What you are about to read was not easy to write, nor will it be easy to read. I pray my story will help you to find healing in your own life.
To family members or friends who are just learning this about my life: I simply could not tell you about this before; it was too painful. But I had to release this so that I could openly use my testimony for the glory of God. I had to let go of my fear of people knowing so that I could be obedient and use my experience for something good. I love you.
I have been a Christ follower since age 12. I was a good kid; never got into alcohol, drugs, or pre-marital sex and I did very well in school. When I was 17 years old, I was chosen from my school to go on a trip to Ottawa for a week to learn about government and to visit the parliament buildings. I was excited because I had never been outside of NS and I was also terrified for the same reason. I was going alone; first time on a plane, first time away from home, and I was going to be staying with complete strangers from all across Canada for a week. The week started off great… met some friends, learned a lot, had a lot of fun. But being an introvert, being surrounded by people 24/7 was starting to drain me so one evening, while all the other students were downstairs in the the banquet hall of the hotel, I decided to stay in my room and read so I could have some alone time.
One second I was content to have my nose in a book, and the next second, the lights were suddenly turned off in the room and I was being trapped down on the floor between the two beds by two unknown men. I do not know how much time passed during what happened next. It felt like days. As one of the men held me down, the other cut my clothes off and violently assaulted me. when I thought the nightmare was finally over, they switched places and it happened all over again. When they finished, one of them held a knife to me and threatened to hunt me down and kill me if I ever reported what had just happened. I didn’t report it. In fact, I never told anyone for 2 years.
After they left I laid still on the floor unable to move and in intense pain. I eventually pulled myself up and made it to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw tear stains, blood everywhere, and smeared hand prints. The sight was absolutely sickening and I vomited. I went into auto-pilot and started cleaning up. I showered, got dressed, and started scrubbing the floor, trying to get the stains out of the carpet. And then I laid still on my bed until my roommates returned, completely oblivious of what had just happened.
I got back home and returned to normal everyday life. And then realized I was pregnant. I was in denial. I did not want to talk to anyone about it and I just wanted life to be back the way it was before I had left. I acted as if nothing had happened and as if nothing was wrong. A few weeks later I started bleeding and cramping… and then I was no longer pregnant. I had miscarried. At the time I was extremely relieved; I no longer had to worry about anyone finding out what had happened. I obviously know now that it was very unsafe to not see a doctor at this point, but thankfully my body took care of itself.
Then the nightmares started. Not only did I relive the experience when I tried to sleep, but certain things started triggering vivid memories during my awake hours as well. I had found myself living a haunted life of torment, depression, anger, and a desire to stop it all. This went on for years. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain that I otherwise did not know how to deal with. I tried to hide what was going on with me and I blamed God for allowing this to ruin my life.
But then in midst of this abyss, fleeting moments of hope and light started shining through somehow. I had begged God to show me why this had to happen to me and how He could just sit there and watch all this happen. I didn’t understand how a supposedly loving God could allow this much pain. This is when He started breathing life back into me. During the darkest moments, comforting scripture would jump off the page at me. My seemingly unheard prayers now seemed to be getting replies. I started having dreams of talking with other victims and comforting them instead of having my recurring nightmares. Eventually, it led me to a call to return to school and become a counsellor so I could use my experience to help others.
I went through a period of doubt about becoming a counsellor. An opportunity opened up for me to counsel a teen who had been sexually assaulted. I was afraid her talking to me would bring up bad memories and would dredge up all that pain again, which would make me useless for helping her. But all I felt was compassion and love for this girl. After we were finished talking, she said, “Thank you so much… you have saved my life.” This was the affirmation I needed to be sure of the call I felt on my life. Once again… God proved to me that He knows what He’s doing.
No one can give an answer to all the pain in this world. All I know is that when I reached to God, He was there. He picked me up from my crumbled mess of a life, stood me up, lifted my chin, and breathed purpose and compassion into me. He took my life as an enslaved victim of my own pain and He shined me up and moulded me into a confident and strong survivor.
I had a choice to make: I could either remain as a helpless victim, or I could take God’s hand and let Him guide me to a life of purpose, forgiveness, freedom, and peace. Ten years later, I have finally found healing and freedom.
I’m not saying I have forgotten what happened and I am not saying I no longer feel pain from what I went through. But I no longer live in constant fear; and the God I blamed and hated before came through for me and brought me to the point of forgiving my rapists and being freed from the weight of hate and anger that I had been carrying for so long. I never thought it was possible to get to this point. But I am telling you… I am living proof that God saves, restores, and makes beauty from ashes.
For anyone who needs support or guidance through this kind of difficult situation, I pray that you will feel freedom and safety in talking to me. My e-mail address is Please feel free to send me a message… if you are hurting and feel like there is no hope of ever getting your life back, I promise you… it is possible. Our God is a God of freedom and restoration. You may not believe it now, but I promise it is true. lean on Him… run to Him… He will never ever fail you.